Here's your first piece to comment on. Be constructive & thorough. Best! RC
until i'm given a voice
i will remain silent
until i'm given wings to fly
i'll just stay on the ground
i prefer my two feet flat
it's safe here on the ground
sure, i've got dreams
but i'm not aloud to make them public
no worries, i'm safe here in my safety net
but i can't leave
and i won't leave
after all
it's all just for my good
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3 comments:
wow, i've had that feeling. i like it.....
Defiantly love it, you've got a pretty big theme (Moving away from home? Staying behind during a war? A child just wanting to leave the house?) but kept the poem simple and didn't beat around the bush any-Every line seems to have a clearly defined reason why its in the poem.
The only thing I'd suggest changing are the couple places of repetition. Such as "i'll just stay on the ground" and then not much father down "it's safe here on the ground" and later on safe and safety in the same line.
While repetition is a tool used for effect (I think this is what you were after when you wrote "but i can't leave and i won't leave") avoiding the repetition of notable words helps a piece flow smoother.
In any event, it's great and it hits on something everyone can relate to. Nicely done.
I dig the play on words with the aloud/allowed bit. I'm not sure, though, about the safe in the safety net thing. Safe without the ty is just kinda lame. Like a bean-bag animal. (I hope you catch the beanie-baby reference or I'll feel like a tool.)
Generally, though, it works well.
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